Getting on a bit

I've tried to blog today but it's been hard. I know what I want to blog about but it's almost as if it's too difficult to write. I think it's because if I see it written down then it becomes real but here goes anyway.

This is the last blog of my twenties. I know I've given it lungs over the last week about things being the 'last something of my twenties' and laughed it off after as a melodramatic 'bit'. Spoiler alert – it's not a bit. I am mid crisis, I have crises, I have crisised all over the place. It's tricky to explain as I seem such a well put together and reasonable human being – I almost couldn't get to the end of that sentence.

I'm a super planner. I don't always write my plans down or tell people what my plans are but I make plans. Plans that keep me awake at night worrying about how and why I've failed. I'm also hoping that by admitting this it doesn't make me a complex psycho – I'm fairy sure it puts me somewhere on some spectrum.

Anyways – fuck this shit – here's to the birthday! If anyone wants to buy me a pint, glass of wine or gin and tonic tomorrow don't be shy, you only have to ask.

Until next time...

Dancing in the Rain

I have wasted an awful lot of my life. Don't get me wrong I'm not complaining about where I am now or how I got here. I have a fabulous life and I'm very lucky.

Obviously I procrastinate. I asked for a planner for Christmas and I even put off filling it in. I spend time doing the frivolous when there's things I need to do.

I have spent a ludicrous amount of time playing games online and freemium games on my mobile and tablet. I think I am close to watching all the videos on YouTube and if I haven't box set binged it on Netflix I will do soon.

But whilst all of these are time wasting activities I do not regret any of them. Maybe a little bit of me regrets the amount of money I've spent on freemium games but those donuts/diamonds/coins won't buy themselves.

The biggest waste of my life has been the amount of time I've spent worrying about the past. I'm not even talking about the big regrets a person has, the I wish I'd done that while I had the chance or where you're at a crossroads and you picked a certain route when you perhaps should have taken another. I'm talking about the little insignificant day to day things that you just can't escape from. It's those tiny things where I've said something to someone that could have been taken the wrong way or I've used language that might have offended someone are among many other things that keep me awake at night.

My brain seems to want to store all these little insignificant memories which could be harmful to people's perception of me and bring them back to haunt me when I least expect it. The idiotic thing about it all is that I can do absolutely nothing to change it.

Every single person in the world is running the gauntlet of life every day plagued by the spears of their psyche which try to trip them up along the way. Obviously there are varying degrees of severity with this otherwise the streets would be awash with completely neurotic people frightened to look in to each other's eyes for fear that it might be misconstrued.

I have spent a long time fearing that I was the only one who felt like this. I was sure that nobody else must have these neuroses about the minuscule and insignificant goings on of everyday life. Then I had an epiphany: I was never going to find out. The last thing a neurotic person wants to do is confess their neurotic tendencies. If you're constantly looking backwards you can't admit to it because then somebody knows how easy it is to trip you up. So you hide it. You hide it under a shell of boundless enthusiasm and extroversion in an effort to make no one question you. At least that's what I do.

I thought to myself if it's that easy to pretend to enjoy life and take each moment as it comes with an unequivocal optimism how difficult could it be to stop pretending and just do it? Life isn't easy and not everyone is going to like me. I can be horrible but I can also be brilliant. I shouldn't waste so much time worrying about how people perceive me but spend more time working to just be myself and enjoy life for what it is.

Life is hard and some days I'm going to be grumpy and I just have to accept it. The rainy days are the hardest ones to get through but the storm passes and we've all been through it. All of our neurotic little brains are banging away trying to make sense of this ridiculous existence that we all belong to. We're all in it together. We just need to learn to dance in the rain.

When I think back to how much time I have spent dwelling on the insignificant and worrying about the stupid it makes me furious. I then immediately realise the irony of this and think about what I'm going to do to make tomorrow better instead. It's a steep learning curve but at least I'm trying. Baby steps.

Until next time.

One week

I am a week in to my new job and I love it. It's such a good atmosphere and everyone seems to be singing from the same hymn sheet. There's a real sense of comradery within the team and I'd completely forgotten what that felt like.

It's really odd to be at a desk in front of a computer all day. I've never experienced anything like it. It's also a little bit peculiar wearing a headset. I'd worn one before when I'd been answering the phones for comic relief but they were single ear headsets and the one I've got now covers both ears - a bit like a gaming headset. Proper weird and difficult to hear everyone around me - probably a good thing in the future so I don't get distracted but while I'm training and need constant prompting it's been tricksy.

I've also learnt I'm bloody terrible at note taking and making things succinct. I think I'll get better at this when I start to learn what is important I note down and what isn't. I am also awful at taking people's names - every time you speak with someone you have to note their name. I'll probably get better at that with time too.

There a metric ton of stuff to learn. It's like learning a new language in some systems - although POD will always mean Proof of Deposit. One of the systems we use appears to run on DOS - my trainer refers to it as the Ceefax system - and it runs on typed commands and it's essentially a guessing game to try and get t to work.

I'm really enjoying it so far and I hope that I can continue to enjoy it. There's another newbie joining next week though so I won't be the new kid anymore. Obviously I'll still be new-ish but I won't be shop shiny new. Happy days.

Until next time.

New job

I am mid crisis. Clearly when I get to mid crisis I do what comes naturally to me and write. I love writing and I have no idea why I don't do it more often.

I have a new job. A new bloody job which I start tomorrow. What in God's name is that all about? A few years ago I'd convinced myself that I'd be a Barclays girl until I retired. Things changed though and I did not like the way it way changing so I decided to get off the Barclays bus.

I'd given myself a month. I thought that if I started applying at the beginning of January and hadn't had an interview by the end of January clearly the job market wasn't ready for me. Things happened rather quickly, in fact it was terrifying. I did not hold much faith in my CV with its one item of work experience on it but people seemed to like the fact that I'd been in a job for a long time and for somebody my age that's pretty rare.

I applied for a crazy amount of jobs and was invited for a telephone interview with LV and a recruitment officer from LSL property services gave me a ring. I also had a few email and phone conversations with recruitment agents who said they'd keep me on file if anything turned up. I really really wanted the job at LSL. It just seemed to fit me and even though it was full time I knew it was what I wanted to do.

The problem is at the bank there's no finishing time. Sometimes you could be working a nine or ten hour day and it was seriously starting to effect my home life. I know I only worked four days a week but some weeks I'd work over 40 hours so I didn't think the stretch to full time office hours was going to be that much of an issue. And it meant I'd get every weekend off with my husband so I didn't have to plan things so far in advance.

Anyway I digress. After the phone call with Rebecca from LSL I didn't hear anything for just over a week so I thought the worst and went ahead with a telephone interview with LV which resulted in me being invited for a face to face interview. On the day I got the email confirming the full interview with LV I was delighted to get a phone call inviting me for an interview at LSL. It was a lovely thing to be on your lunch break from a job you didn't want to be at anymore arranging an interview for a new job.

So I went for the interview on Thursday 22^nd January at 11am. I was genuinely terrified. The ladies who interviewed me were so lovely though that at the end of it I didn't feel like I'd had an interview just a 40 minute chat. Two hours later I was offered the job and it was the best feeling in the world. I cried. Obviously. I cried a lot.

I handed my notice in the next day, my sister was trying to convince me to go back in to town to hand it in on the same day but I needed to sleep on it so it all would sink in. I've had a couple of queries about the job but they've answered them straight away. I actually feel really welcome before I've even got there.

The most difficult thing I've found is not having a uniform. I feel like I've been institutionalised in cyan and navy so I've tried to get as far away from that as possible. I've created myself a sort of uniform of my own stuff so I'll have to see how that pans out and how comfortable I'll be in it.

My crisis continues though. I think it's just mega nerves. There's some amazing stuff on YouTube though about what to do on your first day and there this one minute pep talk which I've watched that has helped a bit. Fairly sure it won't help me sleep though. Might have to crack open the hypnosis playlist to sort me out with some snoozes.

I think I'll probably update this as I go. It might even help with the nerves. A bit. Maybe. I don't know. Wish me luck.

Until next time.